things about miscarriage no. 33: Big Fat Negative

Today we had a negative pregnancy test.

Another one.

It was our fourth month of trying, this time round.

It was maybe my eight millionth negative test. Eight or nine.

I was about to write “there is nothing worse than a negative test”, but the truth is that ALL of trying to get pregnant post recurrent miscarriage is rubbish. All of it.

There is something very specially rubbish about negative tests though.

This morning I made my partner go and check the result. I stayed, lying in bed, as he padded off to the bathroom. In that moment it was as though time crystallised; the awareness of two possible futures, either one as likely as the other. Which way would our day go? Our week? Our month, year, life?

He took his time. The bugger. Apparently there was a shadow cast by the top of the test. It was a bit confusing. It warranted some examination. A silence. Before padding back to the bedroom.

Happy face or sad face? Happy face or sad face? What would I see?

“It’s a no.”

Every time I have this delayed reaction. For about half an hour I am rational, logical, practical.

Then I cry.

Then I get angry.

Then I go on the internet and look up Other Items I Can Take To Help.

This time I unearthed green tea, grapefruit juice, raspberry leaf tea and lots of water. That will help cervical mucus. Because obviously that’s what went wrong this month.

Like last month the problem was that my partner’s pants were too tight.

YES IT HAS COME TO THIS.

I know it’s all about the illusion of control. Or, not even control, but the sense of myself as someone who can make an impact on things, who has some agency.

Every month that I get a negative I am allowed a Nice Thing; this is my deal with myself. Preferably the kind of Nice Thing I would not be able to have had I got a positive. Since I have now not been drinking for 18 months, this sadly does not involve marvellous cocktails. But it does involve pretty dresses. So I have ordered myself a pretty dress.

(I would rather have a baby.)

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5 thoughts on “things about miscarriage no. 33: Big Fat Negative

  1. Reading this on a dark morning having just found out that my second round of IVF since I lost twins last September has failed. It’s so hard to absorb the feelings of failure, hopelessness and sadness and for the first time I don’t now think that it will ever come right. But yet I’m not quite able to give up. Thank you for being a voice out there this morning who understood.

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    1. Oh gosh Jess, I’m so sorry to hear that. What a bodyblow. I completely relate to that feeling of it won’t ever be right and yet can’t give up. Negative tests are so full of sadness and disappointment, and post-IVF I think it must be so much worse after going through so much physically and emotionally. Hugs to you.

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  2. Afternoon Lovely,
    In February after my 2nd miscarriage I found great strength and comfort in reading your blog, sadly I’m back here after just having had my 3rd miscarriage. All three have been so different, and I never felt comfortable with this last pregnancy, I never ‘felt’ pregnant and now…. I’m not.
    We haven’t heard from you since March. I am wondering if you ever got any results from Coventry If your ok? If you’ve since had a few more negative or positive tests and if your getting on alright with taking heparin and progesterone.
    You’d think after having lost 3 it would get easier, almost like you’ve practiced, It doesn’t.
    Thinking of you and everyone who has had the this horrible experience. Praying and wishing or all.
    Frosty x x x x

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